People-pleasing is not necessarily a bad thing. Being a concerned and caring person is an important part of maintaining healthy relationships with loved ones. It becomes a problem, however, if you are trying to win approval to bolster weak self-esteem or if you are pursuing the happiness of others at the expense of your own emotional well-being.
If you are devoting all your time to helping others to make them happy and win their approval, you might experience some of the following consequences:
- Resentment and Frustration
- Anxiety and Stress
- Depleted Willpower
- Lack of Authenticity
Fortunately, there are several steps that you can take to stop being a people-pleaser and learn how to balance your desire to make others happy without sacrificing your own.
Implement the following steps:
1. Have a purpose in life that interests you more than making everyone else happy.
Maybe what you need is something that means more to you than making other people happy. Spending so much time on other people takes your time away from other things. Set a few exciting goals or another purpose that is highly meaningful to you.
2. Work on your self-esteem.
If you cared about yourself more, you would not be so concerned with everyone else. People-pleasers are often lacking in self-esteem.
3. Start being a little selfish and see what happens.
Perform a wee experiment. Be 10% more selfish for a week and see what the results are. If the results are positive, try 20%. Keep going as long as the results appeal to you.
- The most successful people in the world are considerably more selfish than the average person. If you are a chronic people pleaser, a little selfishness would be of great benefit.
4. Realize that people pleasers are not respected by others.
People-pleasers want to be liked, but they don’t understand that they are not doing themselves any favors. Those that put everyone else above themselves are not respected by other people, because they don’t respect themselves.
- Being a people-pleaser is counterproductive to getting what you really want.
5. Say “no” more often.
The easiest way to put a stop to people-pleasing activity is to say “no” more frequently… For example:
- “I know we haven’t spoken in ages, but would you give me a ride to the airport at 6am on Sunday?”
- “No. Sunday morning is my only day to sleep in. I have a rule to never miss it.”
6. Ask others to do things for you.
Turn the tables and ask other people to do you a favor now and then. It is good practice for you, and other people will begin to see you in a new light.
- Make it a point to not do favors for anyone that consistently refuses to do you a favor.
7. Pause.
“I’m not sure. Let me get back to you.” This is easier than just saying “no” to someone’s request. It also shows people that you are not going to jump at the opportunity to give up your time for someone. You can give a well thought out response after you have had some time to ponder the request.
8. Set boundaries.
Most people are willing to help a friend to a point, but there is a limit. Set your own limits. You might decide that you will never lend money to anyone. Or you don’t do favors on the weekend or after 9:00 PM unless it is an emergency. Maybe you won’t let anyone crash on your couch.
- It is up to you what boundaries you set. Boundaries show people that you respect yourself and make it less likely that people will use you.
Of course, learning how to stop people-pleasing is one thing. Doing it is an entirely different aspect!! I encourage you to be patient with this process. It will take time.
Remember that self-growth arises from self-esteem. You build your self-esteem based upon finding inherent value within yourself and honoring your needs.
You are allowed to be generous to others – just don’t forget to be generous to yourself first and foremost!
Are you ready to stop being a people pleaser and harness your true happiness and potential? We can work together to break old habits and establish new patterns.
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Are you ready to make personal and spiritual changes in your life? Consider a one on one private session with Moira or a reading to free yourself from limitations and open yourself up to greater possibilities? Click here to open the door.
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